BETWEEN SURVIVAL AND HOPE

n

Navigating life between survival and hope.

This desolate place has the ability to wear you down, no matter how strong you are as a dreamer. At some point, everything seems pointless. What exactly am I doing, you ask yourself, where will all this creativity and intelligence take me?

The hoots of the matatus are becoming more and more intolerable. To add to this, I have to fight each step of the way in order not to collide with the people walking beside me in every direction. No matter how much you try to make this place a safe haven, you know it will never be; you feel like a foreigner, and no matter how much of their tongue you speak, you will never belong. Some people seem to have hacked the part of making this place a sanctuary.

“Mimi huku siezi hama," they tell me.

I get what they see in this place; the houses are cheap, easy access to the capital city of Nairobi, and a big market for fresh food. I am envious of them. 'When will I ever be in a place that feels like home'? I ask myself. So, I don’t speak of my dreams, they wouldn’t understand.

I have been doing a 25-minute walk almost every day, to and fro, between work and home. I read somewhere that a 20-minute walk every day is good to clear your mind. But to tell you the truth, this is not exactly a luxury for me; luxury is leaving your car at home to go for a walk so that you can get your steps in. Here we walk out of necessity, out of the obligation to save up those extra coins so that we can have some money for the next meal. And by the time you get home, you are thinking of nothing else but preparing your meal and resting, dreams start taking a backseat, and if you are unlucky, you never get the chance to break out of the system.

I try to fantasize this walk, I tell myself it’s for my own good, but here you are not allowed to be lost in your own thoughts, the rate at which motorbikes will peep at you so that you give way in a path meant for pedestrians is insane, it’s ungovernable, but if you are used to something for so long it becomes the norm and eventually everyone complies. You can be one of those people who think, “Why should I excuse bad behavior?” The fact is, you are right, but the moment that bike hits you, you and everyone around you will remind you that your life and peace of mind are more important.

 I thought of buying earphones to shut down the outside noises, but at what expense, I remind myself.

My friend always said I could make a good thing out of a bad situation. I think it runs in the family. Maybe this place is the same, people live day by day, hoping a door will open tomorrow. A hundred shillings is enough for a day’s meal. Marriages form out of need, not always love. "Why should we pay for two houses?" It starts. "We can move in together, share bills, and we won’t be as lonely." Maybe in this place, something good can come out of it.

On this street, I didn’t think I would find a dreamer, older in age, still hoping to own a home. A man of faith. A believer that treasure, if hidden, is useless. A teacher who not only shares knowledge but also inspires students to surpass him across all generations. As a young man, friends challenged him that he should accept that one day he will have an older man's belly, because that's what happened when you aged.

"It happens to everyone" they told him. "Not me, it won't," he had stated confidently, and looking at him, he had won indefinetly.

At this point, after class, we head home in the same direction, two or three times a week.

"You know , I used to walk llike 50 kilometres every Saturday, with a friend of mine, and it was fun" a random conversation starts.

"Then why did you stop?" I ask

" Life probably, that was around two thousand and five, kabla ata highway ya Thika road itengenezwe,"he tells me,as though it was just yesterday.

"Daamn! I forgot you are old," I say and we both laugh, coujuring at how twenty years doesn't feel like a long time.

We plan to go for a walk and as an active person you never pass off those opportunities. A date was set and my mind went wild with questions of their youth, lessons they learned, fully focused on the impact and wisdom I would collect. Then upon interacting you realize they're are just ike you, with interests, hobbies, regrets, fears, and insights.

I have always thought that as you get older, you need your age mates or people older than you to give you direction, to see your vision and dreams, which you still do. But sometimes those younger friends are necessary to lighten up the mood. To make your life a little fun and cooler. I think one or two are enough, because more than that we would be judging.

” Huyu ni kama kuna stage hakupitia,” because as a society, isn’t that what we are good at, criticism?

So still, in this desolate place, this place that is between survival and hope, the dreamers dream, older and younger alike.Maybe this place dreams don't die but are re-shaped to fit it's environment.

And I would like to hear those dreams in the comment sections.